And now, let's see what that crackhead Alli Crystal gets up to, shall we? ;)
ALLI CRYSTAL CRAZED ON CRACK
“You’ve blundered into MY land!”
“Yes, MY LAND!”
Alli Crystal, high on crack, sat on the ground and crossed her legs.
The wobbly, furry, conversing slug kept her attention in a bind. He sat up
high on a drooping, colourful stool, wildly gesticulating as he spoke.
Waving all his many arms, in one of which he held… wait… her pipe?
“Where did you get that?” Alli asked, more than a little perturbed
and feeling a tightness form in her chest.
“What, this?” replied the arrogant bug, leaning right forward, until
it seemed he would topple from his perch, waving the delicately shaped
glass tube under Alli’s nose. “Well, it’s mine of course!” he snorted in
retort, lurching back atop his perch, wobbled a little and then smugly sat.
“How did I get here? And where the hell is here?” Alli was
annoyed now, and perhaps a little frightened and confused. The last she
remembered was the dirty old seat, in the storm tunnels beneath the bridge
in town. Smokin’ it up with her friends, well, not her friends, her
associates. No, that’s not right either. Her accomplices? Who were they
“How did you get here? How did you get HERE? Well, I coughed
you out of my pipe, of course! Out of MY pipe, not yours, you trollopy,
dollopy bone bag!” The splatter-brained Caterpillar was mad, irate in fact.
“You wasted my final puff, with your obtrusive, intrusive incursion! I have
nothing left now. None to keep my mind from itself. My mind, y’know?
My terribly fragile mind!”
“Well, excuuuse Me!” Alli Crystal stood up. The Caterpillar jolted
back on his stool, waving his arms in a frantic display, and puffing
furiously on empty tokes. The Caterpillar gathered his wits as he said with
“You rude little whore! How dare you speak up! You don’t have the right,
this is my land, y’know?”
“Please, I’m sorry. I don’t know where I am!” Alli crossed her arms and
nervously scratched. “Please, help me get home? I’m lost, and I’m scared.
I didn’t mean to be rude; I’m just a little confused.”
The Caterpillar wobbled and shot his head forward, to stop but an
inch from Alli Crystal’s face.
“And why should I help you? You’ve ruined my buzz.” His crazy
pupils spiralling, scanning up and down. “Now be off with you, whore, and
stop bringing me down.” With a huff, he returned to his unsteady perch.
“Can I at least have my pipe ba…”
“BE GONE! No, wait. I have a proposal. Nothing’s for nothing
and nought’s for naught. You like this pipe? Well, it’s mine! But, I will let
you have it, if you do something for me first.”
Alli scratched harder, opened up a few scabs. She screwed up her
face in disgust and whined, “Eewww! Don’t flatter yourself. I have
standards, I’ll have you know!” The Caterpillar burst into tears of manic
“You silly, dumb strumpet! That’s not what I meant. For starters, I
don’t have a dick! See?” Sure enough, to Alli’s great relief, this was true.
“You can have this beautiful pipe, but you must run an errand. You must
find the white hare, he wears a waistcoat ‘n’ watch. Bring me back a fine
sized rock, and I will smoke with you, give you MY pipe, and send you
back to wherever it is you say you belong. Do we have a covenant?”
“A deal,” agreed Alli, dropping her arms to her sides. “So, where
do I find this waistcoat-wearing hare?”
“Down the rabbit hole, of course. Where else would you find a
hare? Now go, and don’t come back unless you got the crack. Dig?”
Putting the pipe to his lips, and sucking on air, he shooed her away with a
few leftward flicks of his eyes, followed by an imploring stare. Alli
scratched absently at her cheek, and slowly backed away from this absurd,
crazy scene. She was soon to discover, in many variations of uncertain
ways, that crazy and absurd… they were merely empty words.
Backing up ‘round a hedge, the weird talking bug now out of sight,
Alice turned to survey her surroundings and gawked at the landscape
before her. A veritable maze of rolling hills, each peak sporting a nice head
of forest. Off to her left, was a trail through some trees, to her right, far in
the distance and across open fields, there was a magnificent castle that
shone in the sun. As she stood in a daze, Alli scratched at her face in awe.
It was then that she saw, in the fields over yonder, a dazzling flash of white
appear from the ground, and shoot across the fields for the hills.
“The rabbit! The hare!” Alli exclaimed and took off in hasty pursuit.
“Wait!” she hollered at the top of her lungs as she ran. The hare
stopped still and turned to Alli, who was running like a wavy-armed
geriatric, and screaming like a banshee. “Waaaiiiittt!”
The hare simply stared in disbelief at the sight for some moments,
before checking his watch and resuming his race for the hills. Alli stopped
screaming and waving her arms, slowing her pace to a listless, lost stumble
and then finally came to a halt. “You rotten little fucker.” She spat in retort.
Now Alli was lost in a completely foreign world, and fretting about how to
get home. Alli Crystal had not, however, lost her street smarts. Now, if a
caterpillar can grow to enormous proportions, steal her crack pipe, and then
actually tell her it’s his, would it not be quite possible, the waistcoat ‘n’
watch wearing hare kept his stash down the hole?
She retraced the hare’s steps back to where he’d appeared, scoping
the field for his elusive hole. She found it by chance, hidden amongst a
thick tuft of grass. Alli dropped to her hands and knees, peering into the
hole with foreboding. An unusually large beetle emerged from its darkness,
and waved its feelers in her direction, then crawled out of the hole and
scuttled off into the grass. Alli shuddered, returning her attention to the
ominous rabbit hole. She was going to have to go down there, not knowing
what else she might find. And how would she find it? The hole was darker
than pitch. Alli reached for her pocket and lo, found her Zippo. She lit it
and lowered her hand into the hole. It was a tight, narrow squeeze, but Alli
was tiny and all skin ‘n’ bones.
“Well, here goes nothin’. Let’s see where this goes.” And without further ado,
down she went.
With her head in the hole and her legs in the air, Alli thought that
she heard someone shout. Quickly, she wriggled her way into the hole, and
then began having an anxiety attack. The deeper she went, the more narrow
it got, and she feared she was going to get stuck. The voice she thought she
heard sounded again, yet much closer. She stayed perfectly still in the dark,
and even held her breath, waiting either for the voice to pass, or for a hand
to grab tight ‘round her ankle. She listened in fear as her whole body
shook, but the voice had fallen silent, too silent, she reasoned, and then
reason abandoned her. She feared both, going deeper and shimmying back
out, so she stayed put and trembled, bugs and earthworms wriggling
against her skin. Alli had no choice, but to continue onward. Onward,
downward, inward, forward; just not backward, for that choice was not in
Deeper she struggled, and panic set in, as the hole became almost
too narrow to go on. Her breathing was shallow, with oxygen scarce, and
more crawly creepies came out to examine this intruder now blocking their way.
Alli screamed in a fluster, pulled and pushed herself forward, air all
but expelled from her lungs. In her head, was a whistling, whirring, and
buzz, as her hands at once felt through to a wide open space. Her legs
pushed feebly, her arms flapped about, and Alli began to fade. But with one
final burst of that desperate sort, she finally broke through and slipped
limply inside, to curl up in a ball, trying to regain her breath, her
composure, and her sanity. There were bugs crawling through her panties,
through her blouse and her hair, but she didn’t care, she was there, and that
was what mattered.
Alli Crystal sat up and took in a huge breath. She had made it this
far, and now it was time to continue her quest, to find the magic rock that
would whisk her back home. Flipping open the Zippo, she lit up the space;
small tunnels broke off, this way and that. Alli peered down the nearest, the
one to her left, and went in at a crawl. This hole was much larger, a
pleasing respite, and she travelled with ease on her knees, until coming to a
small wooden door. She gave a light push, but the door didn’t budge, so
she pushed a little harder, still no. She decided to knock. At first lightly
tapping, to a silent response, to a boisterous rapping, yet still no reply. Just
before she gave up, she gave one final thud, and in swung the door to an
Crawling in through the door, Alli could finally stand straight. Her
skin was alive with worms and bugs, so she pulled off her clothes and
shook out her hair. Slapping and scratching all over, she wandered, naked
around the spacious room. It was dimly lit from an unknown source, with a
table, a chair, a bookcase, and a bed. On the opposite side of the bed, she
spied a box with a lock on its lid.
“Crackpot Jackpot!” exclaimed Alli. This had to be it. She ran to
the box and sat, cross-legged before it. The lock was a simple one, (Alli
knew her locks well) and she popped it straight away with a pin from her
hair. She lifted the lid and her eyes opened wide. Inside was an entire box
of crack rocks, and atop, sat the most spectacular crack pipe she’d ever
seen in her entire life. Without hesitation, she reached for the pipe, broke
off a small bit of rock and stuffed it in the end. Her Zippo flared and Alli
took a huge toke. The smoke hit her lungs, she breathed out a long sigh.
The room started shrinking, but Alli was high as Icarus and cared not what
was happening around her. She had a box full of crack rocks and a
magnificent pipe. She wasn’t going anywhere. Well, not for a while
Another big draw, and the room shrunk even more. The bed
seemed smaller, or was she sitting taller? Alli began to feel trapped,
claustrophobic. She stared at the now empty pipe, and agonised over just
one more quick hit.
“Just one more, you can handle it, surely. Just don’t look at the
walls, or the door, or the ceiling; in fact, don’t look at anything at all.” She
carefully inserted another rock piece, closed her eyes, lit it up, and drew
back. No sooner had she removed the pipe from her lips, the ceiling
pressed down on her head. Alli opened her eyes and was flummoxed to
see, the room had shrunk by far more than half. The ceiling had splintered
the open door, as it pushed down below the top frame. If Alli were to
reload just once more, it was likely she would never escape, from a dirt
prison with a bed, much too tiny to sleep on, but a box full of rocks and a
“At least if I die, I’ll die high,” Alli thought, fondling a fresh rock
in her fingers. “No,” she said aloud. “It would be a crime to leave the
world behind, when there’s still all this beautiful crack. No, I must take it,
and get out of this hole. The hairy slug won’t have to know that I’ve
pilfered the stash and am keeping it for myself, bar one. But if I were to
smoke just one more, these walls will close in on me, sealing my grave.”
Alli reached for the pillow and pulled off the slip. She filled it with
crack rocks and pipe, and then crawled on her belly, still obliviously naked,
and squeezed out through the doorway into the welcome tunnel outside.
Though she still had to stoop, this was much better, so she risked another
hit of the magnificent pipe. She carefully broke off the tiniest piece, loaded
up, and took the plunge. The instant the smoke hit her lungs, Alli gasped
and choked in surprise. The pipe got heavy, and the tunnel, it grew, until
Alli could stand, the pipe necessarily held in two hands.
“Holy shit! I shrunk!” Alli yelled out aloud. The small sack of
crack now a huge boulder bag. Alli’s first instinct was obvious. She
salivated over the size of her prize. But if she were to smoke just one more,
she’d be too small to carry it, so for just this once, she withstood the
impulse, and dragged her sack along the tunnel, to the hole that led up to
Heaving the sack to the hole in the wall, Alli stuffed her bounty
inside and climbed up. The hole was much larger now that she was much
smaller, and Alli had no trouble in her steep ascent. Climbing and
climbing, she pushed as she went; inching the big bag of rock up the hole.
Once again, she was plagued by bugs of all kinds, only this time they were
much larger in size. Alli screamed with frustration, and the scratching
resumed with a fury. She struggled and shoved and scampered and
screamed, until finally, POP went the sack into the daylight.
Alli crawled out to a nasty surprise. Surrounded by guards, well,
by cards to be precise. Two score flat men who wore their hearts on their
chests, stood firm ‘round the hole with their spears. The captain had taken
her prized bag of rocks, and they trained their weapons on her as she stood
to full size. They gawked and they leered at this girl in her nakedness. Alli
flushed red as she just realised she’d abandoned her clothes, and dismissed
it from her mind, once she found what she’d come for and more. The guard
dropped the sack, stepping forward with a disapproving glare.
“We can’t have you running around without clothes, and thievery,
we will not abide.” The captain indicated the sack at his feet with a frown.
“You will come with us now. You are under arrest. To the Queen now,
young lady, where it’s off with your head!”
Alli stood shocked, picking bugs off her skin. They clearly meant
business - “Wait. Did he say off with my head?!”
As the captain retrieved Alli’s only way home, the rest fell into
formation behind her. With a few spear-tipped prods, they coaxed Alli to
follow the captain onwards to the castle. Alli was quite unimpressed by the
weakness of their spears. What were they made of? Paper? Still, she
followed the captain, and they followed behind. Across the field, the castle
loomed. As they got closer, she saw up on the high castle wall, an angry
looking, huge lady in regal attire; a heart on her sceptre that glistened
bright red. She was yelling down to them, but she couldn’t make out the
words at first. Not until she got closer and closer still, when the words of
the Queen became clear…
“OFF WITH HER HEAD!”
The gates burst open as they made their approach, and out poured
hundreds of cardmen. Alli assessed the dilemma she faced, and came to the
conclusion that there wasn’t really much they could do to her. Their
weapons were useless, and she even fancied she could send most of them
flying, with naught but the breath from her lungs. So, she lunged for the
captain and snatched back her bag, then gave him a boot that sent him
sprawling to the ground. She spun in a circle, swinging her crack sack, and
scattered the guards like a big deck of cards, then she ran.
The cardmen were gaining, so she turned for the hills, and ran past
the hare, who stopped to watch her dash by.
“Hare!” yelled the guards, “She has stolen your stash! Maybe even
your entire supply! Stop her right there, we command it!”
The white hare looked down at his watch and said, “Don’t be silly,
I don’t have the time. I can’t be off chasing a bold, naked thief, even if she
has stolen what’s mine!”
“PSSST, over here!” said a huge floating grin. Alli stopped and
stared, indecisive. It hovered right by her, and then turned back away.
Come on! I can help you to hide!” Alli followed the grin ‘round the first
tiny hill, where the owner of the grin revealed itself as a giant, round cat.
“Quick, jump on my back. I can take you away into thin, invisible air. They
will never find you there!”
Alli obliged and leapt onto the cat, and off they went, out of every
cardman’s sight. Though they still gave chase, they were now running
blind, as Alli and the cat left the hills for the road leading back to the
talking slug’s perch.
“What do you have in the sack there, my friend?” asked the cat
with an ear to ear grin.
“This is my ticket home,” Alli answered in riddle. She didn’t trust
the cat, so she lied. “A bag full of flowers for my caterpillar friend, which
he asked me to collect from the fields. He said if I got them, he’d show me
the way back to where I belong.”
But the cat wasn’t stupid. That crack smokin’ slug. He now knew
what Alli had stashed in her sack. Still, he pressed onwards, a plan
formulating within his devious mind. Nearing the hedge, the cat slowed to
a walk. Alli became nervous and prepared to disembark. Feeling her shift
on his back, the cat resumed pace, getting faster and faster the closer they
came. The wind in her face hurt her bad rotten teeth, as they rounded the
hedge and came to a halt with a slide. Alli jumped off and abruptly
appeared at the foot of the stool where the Caterpillar sat. The cat followed
suit and materialised right beside Alli Crystal, who stood with the sack,
covering up her privates, and feeling the fool.
“She brought you your flowers, O wise Caterpillar. Will you now
show her the way to get home?”
“Flowers? FLOWERS?!” The Caterpillar raged. “Fuck flowers, I
wanted crack! What else besides flowers do you have there in that sack?”
Alli looked at the cat with a malicious glare then turned around
“Why, flowers, just like you asked,” she replied.
“If I wanted flowers, I’d pick them myself. It was crack, girl,
crack! That was part of our deal. Not flowers!”
“No, you told me flowers,” Alli Crystal insisted, but the cat took a
sudden swipe with his claws at the sack. The fabric tore open, rocks poured
onto the grass, to Alli’s dismay and the Caterpillar’s joy. He leapt from his
stool to the ground with a splat and a wobble for balance and measure. His
face couldn’t hide it, especially his eyes. They spiralled and bounced
around the bounty before them, and then rested upon Alli with disdain.
“You scrawny, despicable, double-crossing whore. You wanted
these all to yourself! We’ll make a new wager. You’ll share this with us
both, and I won’t send you home until we’ve smoked every last rock.”
Alli was gutted. Her precious big haul, was now to be divided
between three. What choice did she have? She had to agree, so she nodded
and sat in a huff. She pulled the magnificent pipe from the hole in the sack
and stuffed it with a rock.
“Well, we better get started, if I’m ever to get home. I’ll go first,” Alli said with
a scowl. She sparked up the Zippo and lit up the pipe, took a long, drawn out
toke and freaked.
“I’m shrinking! I’m shrinking!” Alli screamed in a panic. The
Caterpillar loaded his pipe while he laughed.
“That’s not the best part. Just wait and see this!” then he lit his
crack rock and inhaled. He breathed out the smoke, passed his pipe to the
cat, and suddenly tripled in size. Alli was stunned by this turn of events.
She had to keep smoking, whatever the consequence. She had to get home
and away from this place, so she packed up the pipe, now as big as her
face. She lit and she toked and she grew smaller still. The cat had his hit
and vanished, all but for his maddening grin. It floated around her,
malevolently. The Caterpillar watched as he packed number three. He
towered above Alli with the pipe in his mouth. Every time he inhaled he
continued to grow. The cat slapped a paw, keeping her pinned to the
ground. The Caterpillar smoked ‘til his face grew from her sight, then he
reached down and pinched her between thumb and forefinger, picked her
up from the ground and loaded her into his pipe.
“It’s time to go home, you bag of bones whore,” he laughed as he
struck a match. Alli struggled and screamed in her stinking glass prison, as
the flame descended upon her. The Caterpillar drew in a long toke, as the
flame engulfed Alli with agonising heat. But before very long, Alli Crystal
was gone, and woke up on the dirty old seat.